I come from a long line of courageous people. The most courageous of them all was my Aunt Anya. She was fearless, and never cared if our neighbors could overhear us as we sang made-up lyrics to songs. She lifted me up as if I were a ballerina, and she never let me fall when she dipped me down like a flamenco dancer. Although she dreamed of being an artist before life forced her to trade in her passions in order to provide for her family, she was the bravest, most vibrant person I knew. In her eyes I had the opportunity to be the artist that she always dreamed of becoming, who would recite Russian poetry, lead groups of over thirty people in Ballroom-Latin dances, and sing jazz standards with equal zeal. I wonder if she secretly knew that we were laying the foundation of a life long dream that I’ve continued to build upon ever since she passed away and handed me the torch.
With every project I’m cast in, I feel rewarded, challenged and eager to move to the next level. However, even though I’m consistently cast in Off-Broadway shows, independent films and regional productions, I always feel a little behind and bewildered compared to other actors who have the training I have not yet received. I’ve discovered that a huge tool I’m lacking is technique, specifically in voice, movement and classical work. Acting isn’t my only passion in the theatre arts world; I’ve always had a secret interest in the art of direction, playwrighting and experimenting with clowning, yet at the same time being able to have the technique to create a serious multidimensional character for dramatic work. Where else can I experiment all these creative juices and learn the skills to wear all these hats, other then a multidimensional Masters in Fine Arts program?
As I continue to pound the pavement, and talk to and watch my mentors, I’m learning that my roadblock to complete confidence and resilience is a serious technique regimen to solidify the already strong foundation I’ve created.
I am terrified of change, yet yearn for it. The decision to move toward a dream is not an easy one, especially in the arts where there are no guarantees of security or success. My career choices aren’t what my eccentric Russian immigrant family had in mind for me when they left everything they knew and moved to the United States. Their decision to relocate to the other side of the world was also a terrifying one, which they undertook in spite of their fears, so that I might never have to worry about my future or financial security. My grandmother Fania used to say that my “chutzpah” would allow me to accomplish anything. Others call this idea the “American Dream,” and I come from a family of believers.
Yet often I see a look of disappointment and confusion in my mother’s eyes. She stopped asking me why I am pursuing the arts, however my father still responds the same way, in the same order (say this to yourself in a heavy blue collar Russian accent to get the best version) : “Why aren’t you getting paid for this? Will this film be in the movie theatres? Are you on Broadway yet? Do you have an agent? Are you in the union? Hopefully it will work out. ” It crushes me when I hear them explain to others that I’m a personal trainer “…. and still trying to be an actor.” While they may not understand the choices I have made, it is because of them, their strength and certainty, that I am also strong, and certain of my path. My mom still makes jokes about the Equity Principal Actor line, comparing it to the bread line in the Soviet Union. We laugh and hug when she visits me in this line on her way to work; instead of Soviet bread, she brings me fruit and a Tupperware full of leftovers my dad made the night before. She leaves me with a sweet and hopeful look in her eyes. This keeps me going and pushes me even more to succeed.
Each day, for the last five years, I have packed a large rolling suitcase containing gym clothes for my job as a personal trainer, audition clothes, prep materials for auditions or scene study class, and endless music and monologues to study while en route. I am privileged to lead an incredible, challenging life, but I crave more. I need to take the next step in my life and I am starving for rigorous conservatory training for every aspect of the performing arts, to continue on the American Dream that my family laid before me. It would be easy to take a safer path, but it is not in my character, and it is not consistent with where I come from. I guess I’m just as crazy as the eccentric Russian clan that raised me, full of the Viv and vigor of my Aunt Anya, the chutzpah of my Grandma Fania and the fearless perseverance of my parents.
Sandy Levitan ( Sandy Simona ) personal statement 2010
