" What was briefly yours, is now mine."

 ***Photo taken on Lake Minnetonka in Minneapolis, MN--Guthrie Ex 16 ( After I jumped in with 4 life preservers and swimmy doodles.)

I have a confession. For those of you who know me deeply, you may not be surprised to learn that I have never seen , Indiana Jones , or Star Wars , or any of those iconic films that so many of us grew up with.  (I know, I know. I did however cry my face off in , Free Willy ---my mom escorted me out of the movie theatre, because I couldn’t stop screaming “ Free Willy! Hurry! He’s going to die!!!.HURRY UP!!!!!!”-----This, to me  as a child, was an iconic film.  As well as,  Little Orphan Annie….Yes, I know.)

Others of you  reading this that are shocked, don’t scream at me when you see me. Let me explain. For some reason I have always had a block, fear, resistance, if you will--- to iconic classic-sci-fi-adventure-fantasy films on a multitude of levels. Maybe it’s because I have an older brother who loved science fiction and action films of that sort—and by default I decided as a child that I would not like the same things as him.   I wanted to be different. Boycott them as a 5 year old! I wanted to watch, “ Full house” or  “ Scooby Doo.”   ( later on in life I fought to watch the strange indie/foreign films from blockbuster, and my grandfather thought I was begging to watch pornography, I swear it was just Almodvor!) ....My brother always wanted to watch, Dr Who, and, Star Trek. We had one television in our house. Which lived on a hand –me- down corner table in our 1960’s inspired wooden paneled kitchen.  ( I believe the TV was also a hand-me-down…but to us it was a luxury!) I never had seniority over what we watched. So while he was involved in his entertainment—with his,  Metallica –loving- buddies over from school watching magic on TV----I was in my next-door  bedroom playing make believe with anything I could get my hands on. (Or having a dance party to the,  Pretty Woman, soundtrack…or anything Paula Abdul.)

 Here is some news however. I am currently in my third and final year of graduate school.  In preparation for the ,“ real world,” and our final showcase …we  have just begun a seminar in which the entire graduating company is together, learning the ropes. I come to find out that we will watch one of these iconic films my brother watched and I hated, IN ENTIRETY as a class. No breaks. ( I almost cried.) Followed by discussing the relevance of the chosen film to; Joseph Campbell’s, “ Hero’s Journey.” 

What film did we watch? …..Indiana Jones:  “ Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  My memory of this film or anything having to do with it was a ride in Universal Studios, Disney World when I was 7 years old.  I loved the music and danced in the aisle, but didn’t pay attention to a thing. Typical.

 My post mortem of watching this film, is kind of  an insane observation . I feel crazy to admit this, but I think  despite my interest in watching this film to begin with, my entire life journey up to this point, is infact  a play by play metaphor of Indiana Jones and Marion Ravenwood’s quest for freedom, muse, treasures, acceptance, power, independence, ferocity and of course……… unconditional love.  ( Dare I admit it?)

I will alsol admit, the majority of time watching this film was spent with my eyes closed. ….(like in Free Willy….when they are just about to release him into the ocean and there is a catastrophic dramatic lead into it…. that he may not survive.   Or when,  Little orphan Annie , is climbing up the tower and the police and helicopters are after her….Yep, like that. )

Watching Indiana, I cringed in discomfort and pain so often. The snakes and spiders made me hyperventilate. The intensity of quick time lapse. The prospect of death every other scene made me uneasy.  I felt like a child in the movie theatre, at the edge of my seat…except my resistance to facing the artwork in front of me, made me lean back and not look at the screen.

As I look back at my energy watching the film, perhaps I’m scared of that violence, struggle, greed, and the poisonous animals of  our human equivalent reality--- in the same way I’m scared of facing my other fears in life--- as a young woman on the verge of entering the professional artistic sphere. Or just  living and observing human beings and how we treat each other.

Then I realized, Wow—this is exactly what grad school has been like—and it will only continue once I am set out into the, real world.   ( which I had a lovely dosage of before coming out to LA to pursue my MFA)...No wonder movies like this have soooooooo many sequels.  

Are the chapters of our lives just sequels to our own Hero’s Journey?Do we ever stop going on  these grandiose journeys in our lives?  Does it take a certain amount of experience to observe these moments that we live in? Or is it an artistic thing? What happens when we truly submit to..” our call”….and profoundly say, “ Yes”

Maybe our true perseverance and growth happens when we reach a crossroads in our lives and we learn to follow our intuition like Indiana and Marion—not second-guess or ponder.  Making strong decisions. Risks? How much bravery it takes to truly quest for our,.....Lost Ark.

Sometimes starting over? Success? Failure? Another crossroad to meet and conquer?  

Will we just give up because we are thrown  into a snake pit?  Or will we figure out a way to get out? Will we just give up when we are hit  in the face with a helicopter propeller..... or a door as ancient as an archeological cave…. closing right in front of our nose…and not for a second use our last remaining breathe to push through? 

If we don’t, we may never know what that true gem feels like running through our fingers, staring into the depths of our eyes, the way it smells, it’s weight, colors and shadows…and what it feels like to lose it, or make a decision to let it go. The letting go part always gets us, doesn't it.

 How do we know when we found our gem? Our calling? Our lost ark?

 I guess we must keep seeking more for ourselves and trust that instinct that we are getting closer.

Until then, how can we go on without being invisible BUT invincible?

I am at the third leg of the race.  Third marathon. Third chapter. Third unknown cave. Third year of grad school, here I am.

 This week has been shocking. I feel a sense of calmness in the chaos and observe the energies that I so often experienced and allowed to rule my day-to-day emotions in the past. I now observe it….in others, or catch a familiar moment within myself and think…Oh yes, I know you….

 This week I’ve had a deep response to the new people who are starting their programs for the first time., or enter an energetic place that I was in very recently. I see them embark on a voyage that I have been on…and my heart feels full and heavy in memory.

Part of me is nostalgic when I see bright-eyed incoming MFA/BFA students. Their excitement, freedom, instant infatuation and love, heart swelling up with so much joy they can’t believe they have landed on planet art heaven.

Part of me wishes I could be  in their shoes again and start my voyage all over.

Maybe change a few decisions. Maybe I would have let a few things go. Maybe I would have really pushed through some obstacles and not take,” NO” for an answer. Maybe I would have had more fun.  Maybe less?  When I look back at my journey to this point, to this day, to this hour, minute, second, breathe---I do not think I could have or should have changed a thing. I look back at this journey and swell up with graciousness that all the lessons I have learned have truly shaped a growth in my spirit, womanhood and most of all my independence as an artist and human being.

 I’m not yet ready to pass the torch and fully let go of my time here. Soon I will have to be. I’m truly on a unique journey full of twisty roads, traps, dirt paths and paths made of marble and gold. I know in 9 months my time will come to move toward the next chapter and my deepest goal is to live in the present as much as I can to soak up the chaotic rainstorm of possibility that graduate school has given me. So that when I do turn around and watch the three years of my life here commence—I feel full enough to let go of the torch and start my new Tolstoy novel…of my life. 

Updates:

GUTHRIE EXPERIENCE

My summer as A Guthrie Experience ensemble actor was tremendous. The patience, precision, commitment, inspiration, and professionalism I was treated with really shocked me on a regular basis. The communities of actors that live and work in this city are generous, open, and eager to share their passions and ideas. I even met alum from my grad school program in the green room of our rehearsal space! Our devised piece,  Time Sensitive, was our final performance cumulation in The Dowling Studio.  The 10 weeks were filled with intense training  lead by Ken Washington, Andrew Wade, Andrew Cooke, Thomas Pratkii and many other visiting artists.  I was most of all touched, and still absorbing the effects of my experience working with our movement director and Time Senstive  Director ,Marcela Lorca.  She is a powerful artistic spirit who pushed gently but intensely, generously and abundantly inspired  muse out of  from my body and mind that I didn’t know was hiding locked away in a little box.   She gave me the space to run, and I flew. I am still processing what an incredible chance I was given this summer… to be present in a glorious and beautiful company..and most importantly a community.. I will forever be grateful to Ken Washington for giving me this gift.

Back to LA

I moved my entire apartment from one side of town to another…on my own. I drove a U-Haul on the wrong side of traffic and reversed on the highway. Enough said.

Back to School

Salsa band!!!!! My passion for Salsa and Afro-Cuban beats will now have an outlet other than my zumba classes and private dance-singing   parities I have with myself… in my apartment! I will be one of the singers in this eclectic, INCREDIBLE band! It is a HUGE honor to be asked to join. B Updates on upcoming LA gigs and performances to come. One thing is for sure, we will be performing at my graduation, even more of an incentive for my out of town folks to come to the best graduation on the planet, at CalArts.

I will continue filming  comedic Indie  feature film directed by Zane Johnson, Plastic Breakfast.

http://www.indiegogo.com/PlasticBreakfast

I Should have had a Party for all the things I didn’t Say, is coming back to LA this spring! I’m very excited and proud of this Chekhovian piece, which  I helped conceive along with direction by Sam Shay and Sam Szabo.

http://www.indiegogo.com/ishouldhavehadaparty

Annabel Movement

We are back in action this weekend! We will start creating our next top secret devised piece……..as well as re-mounting and deepening our first piece,  Petite/chka, an exploration of the seven stages of grief  and transformation.

ONWARD...

All this time I thought , Grease, was my life story….who would have thought it really was Indiana Jones, this entire time.

Everyone needs to play with sticks sometimes..

(* Photo credit: CalArts Institute Photographer, Sandy Simona ( left) Casey Jackson ( right). This photo was taken from Bart Delorenzo's directed piece, " In the Jungle of Cities" at CalArts, Fall, 2011.)

Memories..

Have you ever stopped for a moment and thought to yourself, "what was a doing this time last month? last week? last year? 2 years ago? 5 years ago? yesterday?"...and the list goes on. I've been doing a lot of reflection these days. The weather in LA has been outstanding. I wore shorts and skirts all week. I laid on a huge blue blanket in a open field with my sunhat on, staring at the ever changing clouds in the sky, deep pensive thought, quiet...

Now, has become a time of reflection for me in the deepest way.

Last semester, for me, was all about finding my feet. I was flying when I came back from Europe. I felt like an exotic bird who found her wings. With a new sense of hope and desire, I came came back ready to test my wings for year two of grad school. They worked. However, it wasn't as fluid as flying around the country side of the south of France, the Gothic alleys of Barcelona, or the romantic rivers of Paris.....yet still, Southern California greeted me with an open sky and opened itself for any possibility I could imagine, but was I ready? I crawled more than flew, but there was a balance of all things..

I was part of an incredible ensemble in a main stage show this fall. Bertlot Brecht's early play,

"In the Jungle of Cities," directed by, Bart Delorenzo. This was my biggest responsibility yet and I took my job seriously. I played, Jane Larry--a very troubled and twisted soul.... at the same time, not troubled or twisted at all.She knew her fate was xyz---so she submitted and went down that path with confidence and poise.....it wasn't a pretty sight but it was what it was, and she lived with no regrets. She was one of the most complex characters I've worked on. She was a gift. She was so scary for me. I had many internal conflicts about her, I fought with her in my mind, many nights. I really had to go there. I did. I did. I did, and what a gift it was to touch her those nights of performances in November-----share her with the world, and my ensemble. It was the first time I really began to develop my aesthetic as a graduate student in training, as to how to sustain my creative process for a character within a very deep and intense show, add colors, depth, reality, movement,inner life, and much much more....So, there I went, I created my own " method" per say...and it brought me so much pleasure. Watching films, reading books, diaries, analyzing paintings, photographs, writing Jane's diary, creating Jane's photo album, all for Jane, and all for the world of the play. It was my first time every doing something like this. They are a few things that I experimented with to create her world for me, and my world for her. It was a joy and a maze. It was beautiful. Still, with all the beauty I speak of, it was ridiculously difficult the majority of the time. I know I have a very long way to go as I move forward. The ensemble of actors I worked with were an incredible support and inspiration, as was the director and design team. I feel very fortunate that my first main stage production at CalArts was, " In the Jungle of Cities."

" Jungle," was the majority of my fall semester. On top of the usual buffet of technical classes that blow my mind on a minute by minute basis. I was covered from pinky on hand to pinky on toe 24/7. Fall semester for me, was for uncovering, unleashing and really finding the depth, honesty, inner-power, calmness, and most of all, the key to what I've learned and continue to learn over and over and over again... I don't need to push with my work, or anything in general. Pushing = fake, Just being, and doing=real...it of course goes deeper than that, it's very complex and I'm still trying to figure it out---but on the surface level, I've realized how much "easier" ( I say easier because it's funny how terrifying it is, really....easy, not at all) to just be present, and live life moment to moment vs layering up unnecessary notions, or put on a social mask, face, persona, idea of who you need to be for the world and with your work...it gets exhausting. Needless to say, I find it a constant challenge, but I'm aware of it.... and now see this in other people, and recognize instantly these traits in myself when I start to go there again. When I don't push, things seem to just make more sense, natural, honest,I feel less exhausted, and really...have more room for manifesting what I truly yearn for, who I really am, and not take up space in my energy for the things that weigh me down or misrepresent me.

Winter break.

I had the most beautiful break at home. Being home after all these new perspectives and experiences was very interesting. I didn't feel like an outsider. I paced myself. I rested. I read. I thought. I had solitude of the best kind. I had deep meaningful conversations with friends and family. I didn't do anything I felt I " had " to do, I just did. My family seems to understand and support what I'm doing even more these days, and it's really beautiful to now feel like what I am doing here, in some way, matters to them----- because the bottom line is, that they are my biggest inspiration for following my dreams. Especially because many of them, if not all of them, gave up all of their " selfish" dreams to come to America, so that the next generation could fulfill their legacy. Not a day goes by that I don't think of someone in my family, and imagine them at my age, living in Ukraine, daydreaming of what they could do if....... just if...or maybe if....and then I come back to my present moment and tears of happiness meet my eyes sometimes, truly, they do. I'm reminded I don't have to sit in a run-down, hidden, identity or home in Ukraine, or even a beautiful, safe, luxurious paradise in New York, and dream about my " what ifs"--(which is a very fortunate place for me to have grown up and have an option to even have " what ifs" in )....I don't have to sit and let someone make decisions for me, or tell me, yes or no...I can just do what I want, when I want it, so there is no time to waste and ponder..... I must keep moving forward with this incredible gift of freedom, history, love, and stories waiting inside me to be shared and explored. Many conversations I had over break with my parents, aunt and cousins, really moved me because I felt I was being heard and understood for the first time. I shared with them, my newest ideas, aspirations, and their eyes lit up with compassion--many for the first time. They understood me. They added their words and ideas, but most of all they looked at me and we connected on a deep level. I feel very fortunate for this. I know how confusing it can be when your family doesn't support or understand you, and for many years I thought that was a default of mine...but it was false. They really wanted to understand this entire time, they really wanted to believe in my dream with me, it's just a scary place to be, a dreamer, a passion seeker, but this is what I choose to do with my one and only chance of living life, and so I think they have come around to my side. I myself didn't know what I was exactly searching for or yearning for with my passion for art before coming here, and now that I've taken time to come to California, earn my MFA , work on myself as a woman, artist, teacher, lover, friend, human being...I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the core of what and why I've chosen this path. So, now when I speak from my heart to my family at home, I feel that they understand that my purpose here has a deeper meaning then just " trying to be an actor" or " to be famous" as many people assume when you tell them what you do in this business..... and maybe at some points those things will happen, what a success!.....but for now, I have a better understanding of what really matters to me, my artistic and personal mission, and seeing the look in their eyes when I shared this all with them, really played a sonata in my heart. I'm grateful. Still, there are and were many others, that I haven't had a chance to connect with, or share with since I have been back and forth between NYC and LA. I know the time will come to reconnect, re-learn each other's lives and when it does, it will become it's own story, and it's own experience of reflection.

I found my wings this summer. I found my feet in the fall.My heart in the winter. and now...I'm finding my space in the spring.

I must give credit to my incredible friends I have here in California that have taught me so much, and have witnessed my growth from a different angle and perspective then those of you who have known me since I was a child, teenager, young adult, and over-committed New Yorker.

One friend in particular, has gone above and beyond inspiration and knocking sense into me when I'm really diving into the deep end....and for those of you who don't know, I don't know how to swim! I'm lucky to live with her, and get reminders on the regular. This incredible woman and I , have many intense chats about all topics you couldn't even imagine would need an in depth look...but yes, we go there. Recently, during one of our conversations, she helped me make a huge discovery ( most of these discoveries happen at 12am on our living room floor after we each had a 12 or so hour day of outside life).....it's time for me to take up a bit more space. No, not a bit, but all the space in the world that I need to take, it's time. I find myself holding back, being polite, careful, cautious. It's who I am, yes. I don't want to offend, be rude, do wrong, hurt. I find myself shy sometimes, unsure, oh wait--I'm human....so of course these things happen. I'm an artist, so of course I'm worried that maybe I won't be appreciated or understood, made fun of, disliked, and the list goes on....but the time of waiting for someone else to do it first, or the perfect moment to do that dream project or speak up, has come and gone. I'm taking up space this spring. I've been dipping my toes in the water for some time, or almost about to dive in head first ( can't swim- recall?), but chicken out...So, perhaps it's time to just walk into the water until my feet can't touch the ground, and see how it goes. I'll learn how to stay afloat, I always have--so why not just try. I'm trying. First step, is sharing this. Space has come. I will take up space. Now you know. Space in spring.

My dream project is manifesting. I've started a movement laboratory that will meet once a week to explore and experiment the array of movement training I've received at CalArts, summer residency in Au Brana with OBRA, Matej Mateka, and Leo Kay, as well as my own mix of things I've been brewing and creating on my own all these years. I don't want to " give anything away" so I will not divulge any ideas of secrets just yet of what we are specifically doing in the lab--you may need to make your way here this spring to see what we create! I will say that I'm BEYOND myself, to have such a talented, beautiful, passionate group of young actors, musicians, filmmakers, artists to work with. They trust me. They believe in me and my vision. They are ready to go on this ride with me. The movement laboratory is called, " A Physical Theatre Laboratory" and my movement company is called, "Annabel Movement," this name, is dedicated to two of my biggest inspirations..my late Aunt Anna, and my Grandfather Gregory Belman. Put those together= Anna+bel. My goal of this laboratory is not to create a finished product, but to begin a process. My goal is to have a safe, open, exploration space of telling stories with our bodies. Creating music and colors from our imagination....and seeing where it all takes us. I began directing little movement pieces last semester, one of them was assisting a piece with Sam Shay, " Into the Fog" and then again assisting movement direction in a film project by her and Victoria Sendra, "Ice and Storm." ( films are coming out soon!)

What REALLY started my directing seed was these opportunities and mostly an incredible class lead by Marina McClure last fall. She really ignited this interest and confidence that I was a capable leader, I do have a director bone inside my body, my visions are valid...and I must keep exploring. I have fallen a bit in love with directing---and will find my way. They ideas are endless, so I'm starting with the basics and my heart is swelling.

Other things I will be sharing my soul with this during this spring of space..

Marieluise Fleißer's "Purgatory in Ingolstadt" a German expressionist piece, Directed by Marina McClure, going up April 24-May 5th

Zane Johnson's short film ,"Plastic Breakfast"

A movement piece of Anton Chekhov's " Ivanov" conceived by Sam Shay, Sam Szabo, and I, Sandy Simona...(we have many S's in our names) :)

........and of course all the other projects happening within my course load.

I'm also teaching my world-movement-zumba class twice a week to a mix of undergraduate/grad students, open to the entire Institute....it's a huge blast. My students are so enthusiastic! It is a great release at the end of the school day before a rehearsal evening. Oh yes, remember? Most of us go 9am-11pm M-F, Zumba is our pre-dinner break!

Love

I've found a new sense of balance and love in my heart,mind, soul and most of all for the people in my life that are present, and have come and gone. I can't say I found this easily, or without help. I am a work in progress. I feel that huge progress has been made. I work at this all day and every day. I'm choosing a mantra to live by and of course get pulled off track often. I bring myself back. I remember. I am open to the universe and all the people that come my way. I have met some very interesting people, interesting-yes, the lessons I continue to learn are just priceless. Some are comedic----to the point of almost peeing in your pants, shocking, beautiful others are heart-warming, and some heart breaking--the lessons just keep adding up, and I think I'm nesting a wise, patient, treasure box filled-- woman inside of me....these experiences are all treasures. The gems, are the ones I'll savor forever.

To end.

I learned how to " sword" fight in our fight choreography class this week. I was terrified. The

"swords" are actually huge wooden duel sticks, we pretend they are swords, sort of, maybe I just pretend. They are very heavy and dangerous to drop. I was scared as soon as I saw them laying on the floor, the must be over 6 feet? I got over it, and got down. By the end of class I was throwing sticks ( in my mind swords) around and playing like I've never played when I'm scared, it was a huge thing for me to go there. Not wanting to hurt anyone, or myself...but I went for it. Liberation. I threw those swords around like an amazon woman that I dressed up like for Halloween.

Now, if only I could take up space like the sword fighting experience. Scared as I may be, what's the worst thing that can happen? I fall? It falls? I mess up? I apologize? I do it wrong? I learn?I can always try again. It never stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I'm going in.