Today is my first full day ( well not full day because I have 2 clients to train this evening--but
that's okay! :) ) off and I've dedicated this Wednesday afternoon to finish up
a lot of paperwork I've been holding off on and simply haven't had any time to do. First on my list is getting my grad school essay taken care of. I've been writing this essay for months now. Its insane! It can only be 2 pages, approx 500 words and I'm asked to write why I want to go to grad school and what made me decide to pursue a career in acting and studying at a graduate level, or what point in my life made me decide this is what I want to do. I'm going nuts! I have so many reasons I want to do this and that I have been doing this, and yet I fear that most of them are cliche...
ie its my dream, my passion I can't see myself being
fulfilled in life if I choose to take on another career. Its the only thing in my life that I'm 100 % confident about and I know I'm capable of doing, I feel alive and full as a human being mentally, physically, emotionally, on so many levels when I'm part of a creative process of working on a script and character...and also I want to earn my MFA because I want my life to be on my terms. I don't want fear or security to get in my way of doing things my way. I went to college and studied
journalism and although I did have a great education and loved my college
experience, those 4 years all I wanted to do was taking acting classes at Mason Gross, and be surrounded by other actors who were studying day and night. I wanted to perform with them, learn from them and be inspired by them...and when finally I took my first acting class at Rutgers and my instructor told me he believed in me and I had a raw talent that really needed to be tapped into, I felt like I could jump into the pool of passion I've been yearning for and never really gave it a second though since. I want to explain all this in my essay and share the stories of what my life has been like since I've graduated and the sacrifices I ( and most all actors) have made in order to
maintain flexibility so I can audition, rehearse, and be part of a community---I still fear sounding desperate yet confident that the
sacrifice is worth it for me because I know deep in bone narrow this is the path I'm supposed to be on. I have no doubts or second thoughts about it. I feel bad that at times my family worries about my choices and wishes I choose an safer or easier road to take, but if this is road that
fulfills me then their support and love is going towards a life worth living.
My essay right now talks about my relationship with my Aunt Anya--the first actor, poet and dancer I ever learned from and how our time together before she passed away was so special...and how watching her and learning from her was the first acting training I ever had--I wonder if she secretly knew as she watched me grow up I would fulfill the dream for her that she never had a chance to follow--if her songs and dances and poetry she performed for me and with me for our family gatherings was her message to me that she knew I had this deep desire to be like her...every time I audition, or right before I go on stage to perform I think about her. I think about her dancing at my bat mitzvah when she was already so sick but still her sickness didn't get in the way of her dancing with me, I think about her dressing up in costumes and reading poetry and singing songs she wrote personally for the occasion, I think about her holding my hand when she was in the hospital about to pass away telling me that I was capable of following my dreams and being whoever I wanted to be, and not to be scared, that my life was mine and I could do it my way. I think about her every time and think that I MUST do this not only for me but for my family--and for her. Even if they don't understand why I make these choices, in the end I make these choices because they came to this country so I could have the choice to decide the terms of my life and be free.
How do I explain all this to these graduate schools that are making there final decision out of thousands of applicants and maybe it comes down to just my essay to decide whether or not they give me a chance? I wish I could figure out a way. I sometimes go blank when I'm on the spot to explain why I want to be an actor and why I choose to work so hard for something that has no guarantees. I do this because not for rewards or praise, I do this because I like many other " aspiring " actors know I was born with a gift, and I want to share my gift with the world. With the proper training in a prestigious MFA program I can learn how to use my gift and create a human experience that I live for when I watch a great movie or go to the theatre, and that I dream about having the opportunity to one day do myself.
