How lucky I am to have dreams...
Tomorrow, I officially start my second semester of Acting and Performance, Master in Fine Arts, at Cal Arts.
For the last two weeks I have and crazy apocalypse type dreams. Literally, apocalypse.
Like……….think : booms exploding, the world ending, running, falling, that sort of stuff-can you sense my anxiety? I’m actually beyond excited for round 2 to start—I feel like school never ended because I spent my entire break reading books, watching movies, memorizing text and mentally compiling what just happened, what I think about it, and what I want to work on and change, my list was long, I did’t a lot of self evaluation and reflection. I’m a perfectionist. I will never be perfect, but I will not give up or every get tired of working on myself as a person, an artist, and an eternal student of life.
The moment I got off my plane in California it was not only 80 degrees (and I left blizzardicious NYC of 20 degrees), my heart felt peace, tranquility and it felt almost like when you JUST get your license and you are driving home trying to take a “ short cut” when all of a sudden you get lost, and its dark, the weather gets worse, the neighborhood changes, you have to pee, your scared, drug dealers are on the street, shady stuff going on and people and other cars are looking at you funny, and then as you are imagining getting stopped by some scary person and jumped or mugged you find the interstate highway that will lead you back on track…you get on that road and it’s smooth sailing, you are on your way home, you are relieved and you feel peace and you all of a sudden don’t have to pee anymore. There are no shortcuts in life. Sometimes you need to take the long route, and you’ll find your inner peace and your home will always be within you.
That’s how it felt coming back to California.
My winter break was very fast. It was bittersweet. I was snowed into one of the biggest blizzards in the last 20 years or so---I think that’s what channel 1 said? The snowed- in days were the best ones, I think. I couldn't leave and be distracted with my list of “ To-dos”. I spent quality time with my thoughts, my reflection, and most importantly my loved ones. One huge thing I realized when I came back to the big apple is ,that it is, exactly, and I mean EXACTLY the way I left it. The smells, the sounds, the energy, the people, my clients (and friends), my students, my train route, the love, the rats, the musical soundtrack that follows me everywhere I go…its all exactly how I left it. Untouched and untainted.
I, however, felt different.
I, however felt like I had this secret self discovery and insight to my purpose in life (whether its true or not) and that I was not the same person to all these same things I came home to….it was sad at first, but then I realized I’m growing up, changing, learning, discovering. and it’s okay. I’m just on a different path that I was before, and of course I’m changing—and it does not mean anything bad. It was scary feeling like an outsider in your home city…feeling “ misunderstood” in the slightest way…but it was the opposite, I was greeted with open arms, support, inspiration and excitement…it was I who felt out of place and felt that California was more of my home in those quiet moments of breathing in the city air.
It almost feels like being here, in CA for the first time in my life is the first time I’ve ever REALLY made a choice. A scary choice, that was truly mine and no one else’s. Even though I now have my fans rooting for me back home, when I made the choice to come here, I really took a huge risk. I left behind a life that was so truly good to me. Friendships and relationships that took years to build and gave my blood and heart to, work I spent sweat and tears creating…I took a leap of faith, I jumped, I didn’t even think twice as I do with many things. I’m such an indecisive person---but this choice was made in an instant. I had no second guessing or second thoughts or analysis it was just what needed to happen…
Making this choice to start a new life, a fresh chapter on my odyssey, it made me think of what my family must have felt when they were my age and they were already married, with children…and on their way to leave for a new world with a new language, culture and no guarantees. I’m told often that being an artist is a life without guarantees, a risky life---- full of bargaining, hustling, and rejection. To follow the path of your dreams is never easy, but at least you never have regrets.
Here I am, in California…away from my family, friends, business, loved ones, my safety, my income, my bubble of comfort—living off of student loans, on an artistic emotional roller coaster of unpredictability…but I get to do what I love everyday. I get to study the work that I’ve fantasized my entire life, ever since I put on full Broadway shows for my hand-me- down Barbie dolls and fisher price toys. I’m in graduate school taking this risk for what I love. My passion. I’m lucky that I even have the choice to live my life following my passion. I’m lucky that my life even allows me to have dreams---
When I was home, I began compiling my research for a project I’m creating based off of my families stories of living in USSR. I was frustrated at times when I asked my parents questions about their dreams and passions. I was often given a response of “ my dream was to have food” , “ my dream was to have kids” , “ I didn’t have any passions or dreams” It broke my heart. I became aggressive. I begged them. “ Please, think deeply, think about when you were a little girl or a little boy, or a teenager, be unreasonable. Think unreasonably, what was your secret selfish dream?” Both my parents repeated what they said before. It made me frustrated and upset until I had a very intense interview with my Aunt Alla who is almost a decade older then my Mama. She told me stories of her childhood growing up during WW2,with my grandfather at war when she was born. Her and my grandmother spent the first years of her life moving from a bedbug infested refugee camp, to an apartment that had mice run across it, to a beautiful flat in the middle of Lviv…where they shared one bathroom and one kitchen with 3 other families.—but they were happy, as happy as they could be.
When I came home from that interview, I asked my mom again the same question with more compassion..” Mama, what was your dream, what was your passion? Can you think about it and tell me? “ She looked me straight in the eyes, her long eye-lashes and huge eyes blinked twice and she smiled “ My dream really was to have you, I really just wanted to be a Mother…and a Grandmother-and I have both now, that was my dream”…and I accepted it. I realized, that can be a dream too, and having food on the table can also be a dream. How lucky am I that I can dream even more selfishly and more unreasonably. My family had to have dreams of simple things a child, that to them meant HUGE things. My dreams are not simple, they are grand, they are beautiful, they take guts, they take courage, they take a leap of faith…and here I am about to take my next leap, into my second semester of my dream and my passion.
What is to come? Many of the MFAs don’t have an opportunity to teach until 2nd or 3rd year..usually 3rd year. I have been BLESSED with an opportunity to teach a Latin/World Movement class inspired by my Zumba classes I offered for free to the Institute last semester. I’m So so so so so excited. I have almost 30 students signed up, undergraduate/graduate mixed. The next step in my movement development is to really develop my skills as an instructor at a University level. It will happen. It sure will. I’m manifesting as we speak. Some of my classmates are being silly and calling me “ Professor”…who knows, one day..
Speaking of classmates. Did I mention how ridiculously talented, inspirational and mind-blowing they are? I feel lucky to be in their presence. I feel lucky to learn from them and learn with them. I’m in awe on a regular basis.Being around them at times makes me think....hmm--if they are so amazing then I guess perhaps I'm in the same bracket? Perhaps I'm just as special? Or even close to it? I'm working on it...working hard. I think each of us goes through a 24 hour period of amazement of the caliber of talent and commitment that surrounds us.
My schedule is pretty similar to last semester. M-F class 9am-5pm and rehearsals 7-11pm every day. I will also be auditing a music school class…..I’m VERY excited to explore the music school as my outlet of creative therapeutic outlet. I will be a storyteller in a jazz ensemble….more details about that to come—I’m not really sure what to expect!
I have my Linklater voice, speech, acting studio, directing lab, tai’ chi, Graduate performance analysis, Playwrights lab (new class!) and a new INCREDIBLE movement class that has me so excited I can’t sleep the night before I know we will have class….on top of this I have my Movement class I’m teaching 2x a week, and my storytelling music class.
Who I’m playing with: Gertrude Stein for Ensemble work in my acting studio, Bianca in Othello……..BRECHT is coming!!! oOOOOOO
The Street Theatre Project is on its way! Our Director and playwright have finished the play and we begin rehearsing again this week. I will be playing many roles in this piece…it is amazing and beautifully written. I don’t want to give too much away but it’s a fairy-tale mixed with real time story of a homeless man in the LA homeless scene; who thinks he is a King J
A Russian Theatre Company is coming in a couple weeks from Moscow: I will be the official translator; yes dear family; please call me or skype me so we can practice my conversation skills. A secret: I’ve been having Russian conversations with myself while I drive to brush up on my vocabulary….sometimes I get so into my conversations with my imaginary Russian friends that I get lost driving or I realize I’m laughing at the imaginary responses….OH yes, I’m an actor, what can I say? I have a great imagination! I’m manifesting an AMAZING life changing opportunity to come out of this networking.Working in Russia is my dream. Although the country causes my family so much pain, I’m determined to make peace for them by finding beauty in the art I can create there with the language and culture that came before me.
Artistic Goals: Writing, MY VOICE and SPEECH!!!!! I work on my voice and speech for at least 40 minutes every day. I WILL have a loose jaw dammit, I will. I WILL ( those of you who know linklater work know how hard this is) I will learn to breathe when I speak, and think while breathing….
My Personal Goals: Confidence, Inner peace, enjoying the quiet moments, reflection, seeing the world and my life with eyes of love. Peace, Peace, and more peace.
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