I have a confession. For those of you who know me deeply,
you may not be surprised to learn that I have never seen , Indiana Jones , or Star Wars
, or any of those iconic films that so many of us grew up with. (I know, I know. I did however cry my
face off in , Free Willy ---my mom
escorted me out of the movie theatre, because I couldn’t stop screaming “ Free
Willy! Hurry! He’s going to die!!!.HURRY UP!!!!!!”-----This, to me as a child, was an iconic film. As well as, Little Orphan Annie….Yes,
I know.)
Others of you
reading this that are shocked, don’t scream at me when you see me. Let
me explain. For some reason I have always had a block, fear, resistance, if you
will--- to iconic classic-sci-fi-adventure-fantasy films on a multitude of levels. Maybe it’s because I
have an older brother who loved science fiction and action films of that
sort—and by default I decided as a child that I would not like the same things
as him. I wanted to be
different. Boycott them as a 5 year old! I wanted to watch, “ Full house”
or “ Scooby Doo.” ( later on in life I fought to watch the strange indie/foreign films from blockbuster, and my grandfather thought I was begging to watch pornography, I swear it was just Almodvor!) ....My brother always wanted to watch, Dr Who, and, Star
Trek. We had one television in our house. Which lived on a hand –me- down
corner table in our 1960’s inspired wooden paneled kitchen. ( I believe the TV was also a
hand-me-down…but to us it was a luxury!) I never had seniority over what we
watched. So while he was involved in his entertainment—with his, Metallica –loving- buddies over from
school watching magic on TV----I was in my next-door bedroom playing make believe with anything I could get my
hands on. (Or having a dance party to the, Pretty Woman, soundtrack…or anything Paula Abdul.)
Here is some
news however. I am currently in my third and final year of graduate
school. In preparation for the ,“
real world,” and our final showcase …we have just begun a seminar in which the entire
graduating company is together, learning the ropes. I come to find out that we will watch one of these
iconic films my brother watched and I hated, IN ENTIRETY as a class. No breaks. ( I almost cried.) Followed by
discussing the relevance of the chosen film to; Joseph Campbell’s, “ Hero’s
Journey.”
What film did we watch? …..Indiana Jones: “ Raiders
of the Lost Ark.” My memory of
this film or anything having to do with it was a ride in Universal Studios,
Disney World when I was 7 years old.
I loved the music and danced in the aisle, but didn’t pay attention to a
thing. Typical.
My post mortem
of watching this film, is kind of
an insane observation . I feel crazy to admit this, but I think despite my interest in watching this
film to begin with, my entire life journey up to this point, is infact a play by play metaphor of Indiana
Jones and Marion Ravenwood’s quest for freedom, muse, treasures, acceptance,
power, independence, ferocity and of course……… unconditional love. ( Dare I admit it?)
I will alsol admit, the majority of time watching this film was
spent with my eyes closed. ….(like in Free
Willy….when they are just about to release him into the ocean and there is
a catastrophic dramatic lead into it…. that he may not survive. Or when, Little orphan Annie , is climbing up the
tower and the police and helicopters are after her….Yep, like that. )
Watching Indiana,
I cringed in discomfort and pain so often. The snakes and spiders made me
hyperventilate. The intensity of quick time lapse. The prospect of death every
other scene made me uneasy. I felt
like a child in the movie theatre, at the edge of my seat…except my resistance
to facing the artwork in front of me, made me lean back and not look at the
screen.
As I look back at my energy watching the film, perhaps I’m
scared of that violence, struggle, greed, and the poisonous animals of our human equivalent reality---
in the same way I’m scared of facing my other fears in life--- as a young woman
on the verge of entering the professional artistic sphere. Or just living and observing human beings and how we treat each other.
Then I realized, Wow—this is exactly what grad school has
been like—and it will only continue once I am set out into the, real world. ( which I had a lovely dosage of before coming out to LA to pursue my MFA)...No wonder movies like this have soooooooo many sequels.
Are the chapters of our lives just
sequels to our own Hero’s Journey?Do we ever stop going on these grandiose journeys in our lives? Does it take a certain amount of
experience to observe these moments that we live in? Or is it an artistic
thing? What happens when we truly submit to..” our call”….and profoundly say, “
Yes”
Maybe our true perseverance and growth happens when we reach
a crossroads in our lives and we learn to follow our intuition like Indiana and
Marion—not second-guess or ponder.
Making strong decisions. Risks? How much bravery it takes to truly quest for our,.....Lost Ark.
Sometimes starting over? Success? Failure? Another crossroad
to meet and conquer?
Will we just give up because we are thrown into a snake pit? Or will we figure out a way to get out?
Will we just give up when we are hit
in the face with a helicopter propeller..... or a door as ancient as an
archeological cave…. closing right in front of our nose…and not for a second
use our last remaining breathe to push through?
If we don’t, we may never know what that true gem feels like
running through our fingers, staring into the depths of our eyes, the way it
smells, it’s weight, colors and shadows…and what it feels like to lose it, or
make a decision to let it go. The letting go part always gets us, doesn't it.
How do we know
when we found our gem? Our calling? Our lost ark?
I guess we must
keep seeking more for ourselves and trust that instinct that we are getting
closer.
Until then, how can we go on without being invisible BUT invincible?
I am at the third leg of the race. Third marathon. Third chapter. Third
unknown cave. Third year of grad school, here I am.
This week has
been shocking. I feel a sense of calmness in the chaos and observe the energies
that I so often experienced and allowed to rule my day-to-day emotions in the
past. I now observe it….in others, or catch a familiar moment within myself and
think…Oh yes, I know you….
This week I’ve
had a deep response to the new people who are starting their programs for the
first time., or enter an energetic place that I was in very recently. I see
them embark on a voyage that I have been on…and my heart feels full and heavy
in memory.
Part of me is nostalgic when I see bright-eyed incoming MFA/BFA
students. Their excitement, freedom, instant infatuation and love, heart
swelling up with so much joy they can’t believe they have landed on planet art
heaven.
Part of me wishes I could be in their shoes again and start my voyage all over.
Maybe change a few decisions. Maybe I would have let a few
things go. Maybe I would have really pushed through some obstacles and not
take,” NO” for an answer. Maybe I
would have had more fun. Maybe
less? When I look back at my
journey to this point, to this day, to this hour, minute, second, breathe---I
do not think I could have or should have changed a thing. I look back at this
journey and swell up with graciousness that all the lessons I have learned have
truly shaped a growth in my spirit, womanhood and most of all my independence
as an artist and human being.
I’m not yet
ready to pass the torch and fully let go of my time here. Soon I will have to
be. I’m truly on a unique journey full of twisty roads, traps, dirt paths and
paths made of marble and gold. I know in 9 months my time will come to move
toward the next chapter and my deepest goal is to live in the present as much
as I can to soak up the chaotic rainstorm of possibility that graduate school
has given me. So that when I do turn around and watch the three years of my
life here commence—I feel full enough to let go of the torch and start my new
Tolstoy novel…of my life.
Updates:
GUTHRIE EXPERIENCE
My summer as A Guthrie
Experience ensemble actor was tremendous. The patience, precision,
commitment, inspiration, and professionalism I was treated with really shocked
me on a regular basis. The communities of actors that live and work in this
city are generous, open, and eager to share their passions and ideas. I even
met alum from my grad school program in the green room of our rehearsal space!
Our devised piece, Time Sensitive, was our final
performance cumulation in The Dowling
Studio. The 10 weeks were
filled with intense training lead
by Ken Washington, Andrew Wade, Andrew Cooke, Thomas Pratkii and many other
visiting artists. I was most of
all touched, and still absorbing the effects of my experience working with our
movement director and Time Senstive Director ,Marcela Lorca. She is a powerful artistic spirit who
pushed gently but intensely, generously and abundantly inspired muse out of from my body and mind that I didn’t know was hiding locked
away in a little box. She gave me the space to run, and I
flew. I am still processing what an incredible chance I was given this summer…
to be present in a glorious and beautiful company..and most importantly a
community.. I will forever be grateful to Ken Washington for giving me this
gift.
Back to LA
I moved my entire apartment from one side of town to
another…on my own. I drove a U-Haul on the wrong side of traffic and reversed
on the highway. Enough said.
Back to School
Salsa band!!!!! My passion for Salsa and Afro-Cuban beats will
now have an outlet other than my zumba classes and private dance-singing parities I have with myself… in my apartment! I will be one
of the singers in this eclectic, INCREDIBLE band! It is a HUGE honor to be
asked to join. B Updates on upcoming LA gigs and performances to come. One
thing is for sure, we will be performing at my graduation, even more of an
incentive for my out of town folks to come to the best graduation on the
planet, at CalArts.
I will continue filming comedic Indie feature
film directed by Zane Johnson, Plastic
Breakfast.
http://www.indiegogo.com/PlasticBreakfast
I Should have had a
Party for all the things I didn’t Say, is coming back to LA this spring!
I’m very excited and proud of this Chekhovian piece, which I helped conceive along with direction
by Sam Shay and Sam Szabo.
http://www.indiegogo.com/ishouldhavehadaparty
Annabel Movement
We are back in action this weekend! We will start creating
our next top secret devised piece……..as well as re-mounting and deepening our
first piece, Petite/chka, an exploration of the seven stages of grief and transformation.
ONWARD...
All this
time I thought , Grease, was my life
story….who would have thought it really was Indiana
Jones, this entire time.
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