The crickets outside my window remind me my childhood bedroom, only 20 miles away from the George Washington Bridge which connected me to New York City. Now I live 20 miles away from the Hollywood sign in the valley of the valley of Los Angeles, connecting me to the city of Angels and dreams.
CalArts Salsa Band Photo:Scott Groller The moon is just a big here in LA...... and sometimes it's so large and yellow, covered with stars and energy, that I feel that I can almost touch it, kiss it, or..... that it maybe even, this big shiny yellow moon has the courage to kiss me back, wink me back...and remind me that she's there watching.
As I child riding the back seat of my parent's station wagon, driving from Brooklyn to New Jersey at strange hours to beat the traffic---dusk or dawn---an empty highway of route 4, empty GW Bridge lane ( always on the lower level) and an empty BQE....just as we approached Ocean Parkway in the depths of Brooklyn with it's long streets covered with park benches and Russian Grandpas playing chess and Russian Grandmas gossiping nearby, crocheting or sewing on the street with their house dresses out in public.....I watched the moon as it followed us to and from our home...as I glimpsed at the moon through the foggy 1989 station wagon windows. I asked my mom, always, why the moon was following me home...and she said, " It will always follow you, it will always watch you, because you are a star and stars are in the sky beside the moon, so the moon will always be there wherever you are, just like me, your Mama. Watching"
Here I am, my first summer semi settling in Los Angeles. Seems as though I'm here to stay a bit longer.I look at the moon and imagine it's my family watching over me, I imagine when I see the moon that I'm back in my station wagon being trucked between Brooklyn and New Jersey, with my dad playing 1010 wins news on repeat. On full volume. Like his favorite song, which he can sing along to.
Here I am in LA,with cricket sounds outside my window, and a rose tree, instead of subway train bridge, crackling of concrete and commuters mid conversation as they walk by my window. Here there is a distant memory of : air conditioners leaking down my skin on a hot summer days..... feeling like rain in New York City. Here is to the dry heat of the desert, and the rain of sprinklers at 11pm. The only noise I hear evenings lately, is my crickets outside my window, my blinds hitting each other with a slight wind from the cars passing by,and maybe some live mariachi from a family having a BBQ across the street.
I'm here to stay. for a bit longer Los Angeles. Thank you for having me.
Three years ago I made the voyage across the country I truly only knew from Hollywood movies, books, and my childlike imagination of what epic beauty could live outside the concrete island of New York City.Yes yes, cliche as it is, it was with my car “filled with everything I owned," my savings in my pocket, en route to an apartment I never saw before,5 hours each day driving across the USA, next to my best friend--who saved my life, helped me pack my life, shipped me off with unconditional love and supported my move to the other side of the country, spending a sweet and comfortable night in a different city and state ( which I also previously was acquainted with via Carmen San Diego floppy disc computer games as a child, memorizing fun facts about each state...and here I was driving through them)
Silence as we drove. rain. wind. corn. cows. concrete.grass. windmills. towers.unfamiliar buildings and people. accents. dirt roads.mountains.caves.darkness.sunrises.sunsets. greens.yellows.fire.water. blue.the ocean finally. the ocean. the blue pacific ocean. the desert mountains.
The landscape melting before our eyes, almost with an invisible seamless ballet...an appetizer view of the climates, cities, energetic shifts, smooth and rough, aggressive and gentle, the landscape leaving New York City as a imprinted stamp on a long lost love letter, slowly,slowly,so very slowly bringing us to the pacific... and change outside our windows, the transition we both knew would inevitably change our lives forever.
Three years ago I made the choice to start over on the west coast, start over from what?Things were great in NYC....but I needed a jostle, I needed a change. I need to restart and reboot my artistic chi...I just knew I had to go. I had to...” if not now, then why am I doing this,” I thought, and so I left. Many people thought I was crazy to leave, but I never for one second doubted it was time for a change. It was time to go.
Away from my family, my business, my loved ones and every piece of safety and security I ever knew existed to pursue my Master of Fine Arts and take my training and craft to a higher level. To gift my soul it’s time to brew, marinate, reflect, grow and manifest into a dream that I knew was the only choice I could commit to for the rest of my life, the choice to pursue my life as a professional, committed, trained Artist. I had to do it myself, alone, my way. I had to do it. It was and IS the only thing in my life I have absolutely no doubt about or question whether or not is the right decision. This. is. it. I had to go.
To many people, who come from a first generation immigrant family like mine, who sacrificed so much for me to simply be born in this country, it may seem frivolous or irresponsible to make this choice of artistic endeavors. However I feel on the contrary. It is a courageous and empowering choice for a first generation Russian-Jewish American woman. I found that during this very difficult and bumpy transition, I have, in turn, earned respect and support from my family and fellow first generation immigrants who also had dreams they risked so much to pursue. I know that I could have had a simple and easier life following a path that in society could be taken as more secure or reasonable. But for me, that would be insecure and unreasonable. My life, my choices, and my choice was made three years ago when I started down the path toward Los Angeles to continue my training. Since this decision my life has immensely become more complex and layered with decisions that are so large and confusing that I’m kept up at night with pensive thoughts, butterflies, sugar free gumdrops, risks, fantasies, dance steps I never learned before, dance steps embedded in my bones like tattoos, poetry, colors of light and darkness and silhouettes of bodies intertwined, all dashed, gashed, lightly caressed and kissed, all scented with a flavor that is new and familiar at the same time.
Since coming to Los Angeles my soul has felt liberation of a dragon learning that she has fire inside of her that she can use to burn and destroy,as well as fire up chaos, passion, sensual ecstasy, and birth life into the deepest and most complicated needs, desires, and secrets into realities that are so colorful......that even largest rainbows will feel shy around them.
The opportunities I’ve created for myself as a solo performer and creator of my own work has skyrocketed in LA. My confidence to share my personal narrative writing, choreography, poetry music has forced me to let my voice and vision to be heard.
The relationships I have made within the business and around it, have brought me closer to special and unique people who have opened my eyes to world inside and outside of my graduate program and my life and work I previously was accustomed to.
On my graduation day, I danced across the platform to take shake the hand of my Dean.
Dancing my way to my MFA My pink and black gypsy dress fluttered, my rose tiara bounced, my leopard print gold and black wedge shoes ( which I saved from highschool) supported my stance, as time slowed down, sound sped up, vision turned blurry and I jazz leaped, tango- cross- body stepped across that platform, and hungrily took that MFA into my hands
I earned it.Thank you.
I thanked the grass,sun,sky and my guardian angels.I danced to my MFA and took that MFA into my hands and kissed it.. and here I am.
Now what?
A transition. A time for introspection. One breathe after another. Exhale. Silence. Letting the brain run it’s course.
I feel that the time postgraduate school is like a crossword puzzle. Where you can’t, for the life of you; figure out what the answers are...”...is this the hardest crossword puzzle ever or is it just me?” you may think, and each word you think will fit perfectly inside the allotted boxes is one too many letters short or long. Can I squeeze the words in the boxes somehow? Do I have the right spelling? I don’t know the answer, maybe I leave it blank for a while.... until the word comes to me, is the best choice.
Life in transition.
My new favorite activity post graduation of my MFA training: Letting minutes pass in silence. I still do not know what radio stations exist in LA because I spend the hours stuck in traffic and driving from one gig to audition to another in silence, just thinking and breathing.
Or the moments of reflection after a long LA day. Laying on the carpet of my 1 bedroom apartment, staring at the ceiling. Breathing. Reflecting. With the sounds of Billy Holiday humming in my ear...and those crickets.
As each inhale and exhale enter and leave me--I feel as if each inhale and exhale has a delicate whispering conversation with one another. I want to hear the secrets they are exchanging. I also want to allow them their privacy and reflection. Greeting one another like lovers at the first moment their lips touch. Even before the touch. Even before the scent you can almost pick up on your lovers skin. Just at the moment you will allow yourself to be touched and deeply felt. My inhales and exhales, silent moments of reflection, postgraduate school are delicate like daffodils and dandelions.
If our breathes and moments of solitude were like old lovers, rekindling a romance, or allowing fire to build up inside us, perhaps our peaceful moments would override the anxiousness that fills us all in times of transition.
What my brain sounds like sometimes.....The open road is before me. I narrowed down which path to take a few months ago. With that choice and decision to stay in Los Angeles and spend my summer performing a new multi media theater piece in Edinburgh, Scotland......with these decisions: paths, conflicts, detours, signs layered over signs, torpedoed in my way.
In just a few days I will be flying like four winged feather tailed dinosaur bird to the UK and perform a multimedia movement piece that I also choreographed,MASK directed by Allison Keating and written by John Johnson. The piece itself has been a huge challenge for me to juggle, dive into and marinate all the while of experiencing delicate intensity of chaotic transitioning months post graduate school---and yet this piece has been a gift in it’s own way for those very same reasons...a huge source of pleasure, pain, beauty, exploration, challenge,focus and diligence has been implemented in my regimen and now with only a few days before I leave to perform in the #1 International Art Festival in the world, and reunite and meet artists from all over the planet, I feel overwhelmingly grateful and humbled that I have this opportunity to get lost in the cobblestone streets of Edinburgh, let my imagination run wild, and almost force myself to be creatively tantalized and ignited by my energetic surroundings. So much of our time in transition is filled with superficial worries and realistic fears. For this next month that I will be living on a “ performer/entertainer” visa in another country, had have the blessing of sharing my art and experiencing others creativity juices in a constant exchange of messy chaotic color and light in a city of castles and hidden alleyways and hills, I’m ready. I’m ready. I’m ready to fly. I’m ready to put my 188438475774 silly gigs aside. I’m ready to put my 19438948748784 glitter mustache wearing decisions in time out, I’m ready to put my 192993848484884 double sided “ to do” lists of people to call and follow up with in my top desk drawer, so I can do 282383884848484 things for my soul. My soul needs some loving too.“ Nooooo, wait!!! are you sure???”“OOoooo you think thats what you need to do? ““ I have an idea”“ Do you want my advice?”“ Let’s wait and talk about it...soon...or later on. Yes later on”“ I need an answer now.”“Of course that’s what she should do it’s safer!!”“ That’s not a safe choice”“ Thats super safe”“ That will be more secure”“ This will be more secure”“ You know what I think?”“ Let’s talk about it, soon”“Can you do both? Can you do all of it? It won’t conflict, right?”“ This can be your last chance”
“ Don’t decide now”“ Don’t wait to decide”“ What did you decide?”
….paths and crossroads mixed dirt ,flowers,weeds, butterflies, candy wrappers, soda cans,lip gloss containers, shiny shoes and bracelets, grass in every color, sprinklers, rats, kitty cats, loud music, soft sheets, rough skin, soft skin, and scents of memories and desires, with splashes of violin, drums and a few gypsy dancers, with hairy chests, and mustaches.......Ok---so here I am, in my pink multi colored outfit, big wavy hair and sunkissed skin, staring at this field of path and roads before me,what’s next. One decision always leads to another. And all I want to do is plop down into this big filed of candy wrapper glitter cakes and stare at the clouds, spoon with a puppy or not rat like furry creature and catch my breathe.
Hello postgraduate school life!Always in transit. Always enroute. How to truly, deeply, on a subhuman deep level we can ever know that whatever decision we make, is without a doubt the best decision ever? Can we live our lives doubtless and full of confidence in our choices and steps forward ( and backward) we take? How do we know? How do we truly know? Is the oblivion of full confidence denial or ego?
Or is it a key to everlasting personal growth and freedom.
The triathlon of life. Learning to walk at my own pace, and fly at my own moment and my detour whichever way I decide. The freedom the fear that attaches to that ability to be so free after coming to Los Angeles for the sole purpose of graduate school.
The reality of the life I have entered, full of risks, verbal agreements, chances, choices, liberation, fear, anxiety and constant ebb and flow of silence and ecstasy----- all of which can happen at the same moment, while swiftly disappearing like water in an empty desert.
Is it like this for all artists? Is it like this for all? Is it like this forever? Is it like this for most but most do not reflect …. deeply feel the waves of life?
Life is just one huge transition. Life is always changing, shocking,shifting,surprising, keeping you guessing, breathing in and sometimes spitting out, the unknown the known, the facts the fiction, the reality, the pain the suffering, the passion, the love, the disappointments, the beauty, the absolutely undeniable beauty that we even have a chance to be alive and feel and exist. I wonder sometimes do I feel these things only? Will I always feel things so deeply?
Some jobs I’ve had this summer have shocked me.I have let my ego take a walk in the pup park and even the kitty cafe ( literally I was a Russian Master dog trainer/office manager/dog spa house maintainer/property manager/translator/running partner of pit bulls and German shepherds). I have taken on work and gone on interviews that I would never imagine I would allow myself to take part in. ( all legal friends, come on! just silly and ridiculous) Most of these experiences have just added to my treasure chest of material, and my list is now double sided. However, the time has come for me to prepare to leave the country in style..... and just be an Actor for a while, what a gift. An Actor in the # International Art Festival in the World, Edinburgh, Scotland.
MASK @ The Edinburgh Fringe 2013 My soul needs a little tenderness, this time it happens to be in Edinburgh, Scotland, alongside a company of beautifully kind, talented and generous humans I would have never met unless I made that crazy decision 3 year s ago to move away from my nest of concrete goodness for my huge pacific of unknown.
Mask @ The Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Scotland 2013
Los Angeles, is one big smoothie. Use me as your blender LA. Just like a pro blender you can try your best crush or blend me smooth. Add your ice. your veggies and fruits, throw whatever healthy fad you like in there. I can take it. But then you’ll need to drink me, so make your choices wisely. Ok, blend away.
Yum
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