when is the right time to start?

Well friends, I've been contemplating when is the appropriate time to start up my blog again....should I write and share my thoughts with the world? Do I want people from my past that I do not keep in touch with to be able to know my day to day life and thoughts by a curious google or facebook stalk? Do I want to keep my journey personal? private? So many thoughts about this topic...what the " right "thing to do may or may not ever unfold...but I'm realizing that as an artist..its my duty to take risks, and not worry about failure, or what if--especially considering the choices I've made as of lately.

So--if that does indeed mean that the whole world will be able to read what I have to say, and perhaps it will touch them in some way, that's fine with me.... make them think about something they never thought of...spark an interest or passion somewhere deep within them---then why not? If it makes someone from my past reach out to me and reconnect---or help us make peace within friendships/ relationships that may have ended painfully ...then I open up the lines of communication to reach out to me and let me know you are reading this, and lets recconnect. Otherwise-please enjoy and please share with me your thoughts on my journey---if you like :).Or just be an annonomous reader and be inspired!


Where to start and where to begin.

I've traveled across the country NYC-LA on a most amazing adventure I could have dreamed of. I never thought of myself as a road trip type of gal---but this voyage changed me and truly felt like I was an onion and all the layers peeled off, piece by piece. Seeing the landscape change, the cities, the cultures, farms, mountains, caves, deserts,green, red, brown, blue, black, and repeat.... The further away I got from NY the more I began to realize that my fear of holding on to what is comfortable and safe is silly....life is so beautiful and exciting. The United States is beautiful, diverse, and welcoming. When you take a leap in the direction of the path you want to be on, and the path that you are SUPPOSED to be on...the world really does open itself up to you, and it just feels so good.


Highlights of my cross country trip:
1.Bonding with David; sometimes we didn't even listen to the radio, we just talked for hours...I realized even more so on this trip how lucky I am to have an anchor like him in my life with so much unconditional love, support and friendship.
2.Discovering healthy/delicious/funky places to eat and sleep ....all spontaneously, en route from one state to another..being spontaneous in general was a HUGE step for me.
3.Seeing the landscape change from dark, humid, musky to light, fiery, spicy
4.The Green mountains of Colorado, the underground hot spring cave under the Rockies
5.Sleeping in the deserts of Utah and discovering what an International wonder the national parks are.
6.Driving through the Arches, and witnessing the breathtaking red rock wonder.
7. Entering LA and really taking in that this is my new home, that I earned this, I worked for this, and ANYTHING and EVERYTHING is possible.

The first two weeks of living in the suburban town nearby CalArts wasn't exactly easy for me. First of all, I am on my own now, David flew back to NYC and will remain there, I'm here on this voyage solo...which is in many many ways how we both wanted it to be. Also....coming from such a compact, crazy, hustler type schedule in NYC....to a calm, no-plans, no idea where anything is or how things work around here, no friends or family nearby....was not easy for me, living with roommates for the first time in over 5 years....it wasn't easy..and I'm sure it will never be " easy"...but those who know me, know I don't like it "easy" either.

It has been an adjustment...but I can't really complain, I'm very happy with my choice to live where I live. I'm 10 mins from school ( 3 miles) , have a HUGE room with a walk- in closet,my own bathroom ( for NYC standards, you would pee your pants...I did a little bit ), close to a million stores, malls, shopping centers, trains,parks,30 minutes from downtown LA ( just like my commute from Astoria to LES for work in NYC---ahh I miss all my Ludlow-ites and all my clients back home)....that's all I'll really need for the next 3 years. Living with roommates--especially women I've never met, was nerve-racking for me at first because of my past experiences in college that sometimes going in seemed SO exciting, but being immature and young turned into a dramatic, uncomfortable saga... But here,I live with 2 other artists who are in their 2nd year of CalArtsl..and they are in different departments than me---we will all be super busy once school starts, and I feel like once the ground rules are set about how to make living together as easy as can be...then there is no drama to fear.

Now for my final section and thoughts of my first LA blog... my first 2 days of CalArts orientation...

I spent the last 2 days full of a word that I can't really describe. I don't have the vocabulary to describe how I feel..I hope one day I will. My body felt like pins and needles, my heart was full of so much love and inspiration, and I wanted to scream at the topic of my lungs how in love I am with what I'm about to be part of. Being here for me is like putting every dream, every thought, every desire, every fear, every absurd idea, every craving, every UNREASONABLE want and need I could ever ever EVER think of and yearn for..in one place for me to play and roll around in with support and love and tools to make it happen----because every other person here, faculty...students..alums, and everything in between--they all want it just as bad, and they want to collaborate and use their art with yours to make it happen. It's insane. I've never in a million years thought something like this could exist, I always thought I was the only person whose brain functioned this way and heart yearned to create and learn like this, and here I am with thousands of others, and I'm floating.

Floating, indeed. The faculty gave us the most remarkable welcome with their supportive speeches that brought chills throughout my body, and mascara dripping down my face. Alumni performed for us, current students welcomed us with excitement and open arms ... all of the incoming theatre grad students stood up within each department ( we have SO many departments, I'm amazed) were asked to stand and were applauded and honored. It really felt surreal...and even my explanation now can't even come close to how exciting it felt to be in an incredible space like the MOD theatre ( there are only 2 or 3 other MODS in the world) and have all these artists who are ready to create with you, support you, applaud you, and inspire you.

My classmates are dreamy. Such an eclectic group of actors from all walks of life. I'm amazed with warm, beautiful first impressions. I'm curious about who they are,what their story is, and how our relationships will develop.

A brief overview of my first semester is 17 credits..Class 9-4/5 M-F. Rehearsals 5pm onwards most days, including saturdays. Voice ( linklater), Speech, Alexander technique, Directing lab ( Actor MFA and Directing MFA students in one class not only studying directing but putting up scenes with directing students and sometimes mixing up media with other MFA artists), Acting Studio ( which will focus on film noir and for the first part of our semester we will be collaborating in class with other grad students in puppetry, film production, and music schools), Thai-Chi, Africian dance, Puppetry, Play Analysis...and I will also audition to take singing lessons as an extra class. ( One of many things that is remarkable at CalArts, is that you are welcome to take any extra classes you really feel passionate and curious about, on top of your core classes--for no extra cost...and if you feel VERY strongly that you do not need to take a required class because you have a strong background in it already, you are supported and welcome to take another class that can contribute to your creative training and process...and sometimes if you do not have room in your schedule for it, the professors are open to a independent study. Everyone here is passionate about creating and collaborating...)

Some things I am VERY passionate about diving into aside from my acting training:
1) Jazz singing..and singing in general. Creating a solid vocal technique and book of music, songwriting as well.
2) Acting abroad and working internationally with international artists..especially Europe and Russia..creating that network starting this summer.
3) Writing ALOT...especially a play, a one woman show and a cabaret with international music and monolouges in Russian and perhaps yiddish and spanish..
4) Learning how to choreograph and develop my unique style and better technique
5) Become tech savvy

I will end with this...

what I realized yesterday after our all school meeting and celebration...

Everything I've ever experienced up to this point lead me to this point. All the craziness, obstacles, triumphs, loves, heartaches, sickness,cancer, fear, fights,deaths, births, relationships, voyages, curiosities, all the hard work, all the dreams and nightmares, all of it---literally all of it lead me to this point...to being accepted into a community like this one. I WILL thrive here, create, dream and flourish...I really want to live the life I always imagined I could live, from giving myself fully into this craft and this art. I'm the luckiest woman alive...and I hope that one day, each of you that read this could feel what I feel,and feel the gratitude for life and what it can offer if you take the leap and follow your dreams unreasonably...