(* Photo credit: CalArts Institute Photographer, Sandy Simona ( left) Casey Jackson ( right). This photo was taken from Bart Delorenzo's directed piece, " In the Jungle of Cities" at CalArts, Fall, 2011.)
Memories..
Have you ever stopped for a moment and thought to yourself, "what was a doing this time last month? last week? last year? 2 years ago? 5 years ago? yesterday?"...and the list goes on. I've been doing a lot of reflection these days. The weather in LA has been outstanding. I wore shorts and skirts all week. I laid on a huge blue blanket in a open field with my sunhat on, staring at the ever changing clouds in the sky, deep pensive thought, quiet...
Now, has become a time of reflection for me in the deepest way.
Last semester, for me, was all about finding my feet. I was flying when I came back from Europe. I felt like an exotic bird who found her wings. With a new sense of hope and desire, I came came back ready to test my wings for year two of grad school. They worked. However, it wasn't as fluid as flying around the country side of the south of France, the Gothic alleys of Barcelona, or the romantic rivers of Paris.....yet still, Southern California greeted me with an open sky and opened itself for any possibility I could imagine, but was I ready? I crawled more than flew, but there was a balance of all things..
I was part of an incredible ensemble in a main stage show this fall. Bertlot Brecht's early play,
"In the Jungle of Cities," directed by, Bart Delorenzo. This was my biggest responsibility yet and I took my job seriously. I played, Jane Larry--a very troubled and twisted soul.... at the same time, not troubled or twisted at all.She knew her fate was xyz---so she submitted and went down that path with confidence and poise.....it wasn't a pretty sight but it was what it was, and she lived with no regrets. She was one of the most complex characters I've worked on. She was a gift. She was so scary for me. I had many internal conflicts about her, I fought with her in my mind, many nights. I really had to go there. I did. I did. I did, and what a gift it was to touch her those nights of performances in November-----share her with the world, and my ensemble. It was the first time I really began to develop my aesthetic as a graduate student in training, as to how to sustain my creative process for a character within a very deep and intense show, add colors, depth, reality, movement,inner life, and much much more....So, there I went, I created my own " method" per say...and it brought me so much pleasure. Watching films, reading books, diaries, analyzing paintings, photographs, writing Jane's diary, creating Jane's photo album, all for Jane, and all for the world of the play. It was my first time every doing something like this. They are a few things that I experimented with to create her world for me, and my world for her. It was a joy and a maze. It was beautiful. Still, with all the beauty I speak of, it was ridiculously difficult the majority of the time. I know I have a very long way to go as I move forward. The ensemble of actors I worked with were an incredible support and inspiration, as was the director and design team. I feel very fortunate that my first main stage production at CalArts was, " In the Jungle of Cities."
" Jungle," was the majority of my fall semester. On top of the usual buffet of technical classes that blow my mind on a minute by minute basis. I was covered from pinky on hand to pinky on toe 24/7. Fall semester for me, was for uncovering, unleashing and really finding the depth, honesty, inner-power, calmness, and most of all, the key to what I've learned and continue to learn over and over and over again... I don't need to push with my work, or anything in general. Pushing = fake, Just being, and doing=real...it of course goes deeper than that, it's very complex and I'm still trying to figure it out---but on the surface level, I've realized how much "easier" ( I say easier because it's funny how terrifying it is, really....easy, not at all) to just be present, and live life moment to moment vs layering up unnecessary notions, or put on a social mask, face, persona, idea of who you need to be for the world and with your work...it gets exhausting. Needless to say, I find it a constant challenge, but I'm aware of it.... and now see this in other people, and recognize instantly these traits in myself when I start to go there again. When I don't push, things seem to just make more sense, natural, honest,I feel less exhausted, and really...have more room for manifesting what I truly yearn for, who I really am, and not take up space in my energy for the things that weigh me down or misrepresent me.
Winter break.
I had the most beautiful break at home. Being home after all these new perspectives and experiences was very interesting. I didn't feel like an outsider. I paced myself. I rested. I read. I thought. I had solitude of the best kind. I had deep meaningful conversations with friends and family. I didn't do anything I felt I " had " to do, I just did. My family seems to understand and support what I'm doing even more these days, and it's really beautiful to now feel like what I am doing here, in some way, matters to them----- because the bottom line is, that they are my biggest inspiration for following my dreams. Especially because many of them, if not all of them, gave up all of their " selfish" dreams to come to America, so that the next generation could fulfill their legacy. Not a day goes by that I don't think of someone in my family, and imagine them at my age, living in Ukraine, daydreaming of what they could do if....... just if...or maybe if....and then I come back to my present moment and tears of happiness meet my eyes sometimes, truly, they do. I'm reminded I don't have to sit in a run-down, hidden, identity or home in Ukraine, or even a beautiful, safe, luxurious paradise in New York, and dream about my " what ifs"--(which is a very fortunate place for me to have grown up and have an option to even have " what ifs" in )....I don't have to sit and let someone make decisions for me, or tell me, yes or no...I can just do what I want, when I want it, so there is no time to waste and ponder..... I must keep moving forward with this incredible gift of freedom, history, love, and stories waiting inside me to be shared and explored. Many conversations I had over break with my parents, aunt and cousins, really moved me because I felt I was being heard and understood for the first time. I shared with them, my newest ideas, aspirations, and their eyes lit up with compassion--many for the first time. They understood me. They added their words and ideas, but most of all they looked at me and we connected on a deep level. I feel very fortunate for this. I know how confusing it can be when your family doesn't support or understand you, and for many years I thought that was a default of mine...but it was false. They really wanted to understand this entire time, they really wanted to believe in my dream with me, it's just a scary place to be, a dreamer, a passion seeker, but this is what I choose to do with my one and only chance of living life, and so I think they have come around to my side. I myself didn't know what I was exactly searching for or yearning for with my passion for art before coming here, and now that I've taken time to come to California, earn my MFA , work on myself as a woman, artist, teacher, lover, friend, human being...I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to the core of what and why I've chosen this path. So, now when I speak from my heart to my family at home, I feel that they understand that my purpose here has a deeper meaning then just " trying to be an actor" or " to be famous" as many people assume when you tell them what you do in this business..... and maybe at some points those things will happen, what a success!.....but for now, I have a better understanding of what really matters to me, my artistic and personal mission, and seeing the look in their eyes when I shared this all with them, really played a sonata in my heart. I'm grateful. Still, there are and were many others, that I haven't had a chance to connect with, or share with since I have been back and forth between NYC and LA. I know the time will come to reconnect, re-learn each other's lives and when it does, it will become it's own story, and it's own experience of reflection.
I found my wings this summer. I found my feet in the fall.My heart in the winter. and now...I'm finding my space in the spring.
I must give credit to my incredible friends I have here in California that have taught me so much, and have witnessed my growth from a different angle and perspective then those of you who have known me since I was a child, teenager, young adult, and over-committed New Yorker.
One friend in particular, has gone above and beyond inspiration and knocking sense into me when I'm really diving into the deep end....and for those of you who don't know, I don't know how to swim! I'm lucky to live with her, and get reminders on the regular. This incredible woman and I , have many intense chats about all topics you couldn't even imagine would need an in depth look...but yes, we go there. Recently, during one of our conversations, she helped me make a huge discovery ( most of these discoveries happen at 12am on our living room floor after we each had a 12 or so hour day of outside life).....it's time for me to take up a bit more space. No, not a bit, but all the space in the world that I need to take, it's time. I find myself holding back, being polite, careful, cautious. It's who I am, yes. I don't want to offend, be rude, do wrong, hurt. I find myself shy sometimes, unsure, oh wait--I'm human....so of course these things happen. I'm an artist, so of course I'm worried that maybe I won't be appreciated or understood, made fun of, disliked, and the list goes on....but the time of waiting for someone else to do it first, or the perfect moment to do that dream project or speak up, has come and gone. I'm taking up space this spring. I've been dipping my toes in the water for some time, or almost about to dive in head first ( can't swim- recall?), but chicken out...So, perhaps it's time to just walk into the water until my feet can't touch the ground, and see how it goes. I'll learn how to stay afloat, I always have--so why not just try. I'm trying. First step, is sharing this. Space has come. I will take up space. Now you know. Space in spring.
My dream project is manifesting. I've started a movement laboratory that will meet once a week to explore and experiment the array of movement training I've received at CalArts, summer residency in Au Brana with OBRA, Matej Mateka, and Leo Kay, as well as my own mix of things I've been brewing and creating on my own all these years. I don't want to " give anything away" so I will not divulge any ideas of secrets just yet of what we are specifically doing in the lab--you may need to make your way here this spring to see what we create! I will say that I'm BEYOND myself, to have such a talented, beautiful, passionate group of young actors, musicians, filmmakers, artists to work with. They trust me. They believe in me and my vision. They are ready to go on this ride with me. The movement laboratory is called, " A Physical Theatre Laboratory" and my movement company is called, "Annabel Movement," this name, is dedicated to two of my biggest inspirations..my late Aunt Anna, and my Grandfather Gregory Belman. Put those together= Anna+bel. My goal of this laboratory is not to create a finished product, but to begin a process. My goal is to have a safe, open, exploration space of telling stories with our bodies. Creating music and colors from our imagination....and seeing where it all takes us. I began directing little movement pieces last semester, one of them was assisting a piece with Sam Shay, " Into the Fog" and then again assisting movement direction in a film project by her and Victoria Sendra, "Ice and Storm." ( films are coming out soon!)
What REALLY started my directing seed was these opportunities and mostly an incredible class lead by Marina McClure last fall. She really ignited this interest and confidence that I was a capable leader, I do have a director bone inside my body, my visions are valid...and I must keep exploring. I have fallen a bit in love with directing---and will find my way. They ideas are endless, so I'm starting with the basics and my heart is swelling.
Other things I will be sharing my soul with this during this spring of space..
Marieluise Fleißer's "Purgatory in Ingolstadt" a German expressionist piece, Directed by Marina McClure, going up April 24-May 5th
Zane Johnson's short film ,"Plastic Breakfast"
A movement piece of Anton Chekhov's " Ivanov" conceived by Sam Shay, Sam Szabo, and I, Sandy Simona...(we have many S's in our names) :)
........and of course all the other projects happening within my course load.
I'm also teaching my world-movement-zumba class twice a week to a mix of undergraduate/grad students, open to the entire Institute....it's a huge blast. My students are so enthusiastic! It is a great release at the end of the school day before a rehearsal evening. Oh yes, remember? Most of us go 9am-11pm M-F, Zumba is our pre-dinner break!
Love
I've found a new sense of balance and love in my heart,mind, soul and most of all for the people in my life that are present, and have come and gone. I can't say I found this easily, or without help. I am a work in progress. I feel that huge progress has been made. I work at this all day and every day. I'm choosing a mantra to live by and of course get pulled off track often. I bring myself back. I remember. I am open to the universe and all the people that come my way. I have met some very interesting people, interesting-yes, the lessons I continue to learn are just priceless. Some are comedic----to the point of almost peeing in your pants, shocking, beautiful others are heart-warming, and some heart breaking--the lessons just keep adding up, and I think I'm nesting a wise, patient, treasure box filled-- woman inside of me....these experiences are all treasures. The gems, are the ones I'll savor forever.
To end.
I learned how to " sword" fight in our fight choreography class this week. I was terrified. The
"swords" are actually huge wooden duel sticks, we pretend they are swords, sort of, maybe I just pretend. They are very heavy and dangerous to drop. I was scared as soon as I saw them laying on the floor, the must be over 6 feet? I got over it, and got down. By the end of class I was throwing sticks ( in my mind swords) around and playing like I've never played when I'm scared, it was a huge thing for me to go there. Not wanting to hurt anyone, or myself...but I went for it. Liberation. I threw those swords around like an amazon woman that I dressed up like for Halloween.
Now, if only I could take up space like the sword fighting experience. Scared as I may be, what's the worst thing that can happen? I fall? It falls? I mess up? I apologize? I do it wrong? I learn?I can always try again. It never stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I'm going in.
Incredible, good luck with Annabel, we love you
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